12 Rules For (Woke) Life
12 Rules For (Woke) Life
Step aside Jordan Peterson. This is the life guide you've all been searching for.
Rule 1- Announce your pronouns in the morning
If you’re like me then your pronouns change daily, but don’t leave it till lunch time to set them. What if it’s a Wednesday and you’re feeling like a demiboy fairy lioness, but the bigoted cis white work experience kid thinks you’re still Tuesday’s panfluid femme ze bear? Then there’s a good chance he will misgender you, which would be atrocious.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but you need to announce your pronouns each morning. You can do this via company wide email, social media status update, and a mass WhatsApp group message to all your contacts. Why? Because not everyone is going to ask you what your current pronouns are (even though they should), and we must avoid being misgendered at all costs - it’s a cosmic injustice and just so harmful to our mental health.
Hopefully the law changes though and the evil tweeps who misgender us get sent to labour camps or something.
Rule 2- Check your Privilege (Pyramid)
There’s lot of pyramids out there: the food pyramid, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, Egyptian pyramids, pyramid schemes and all that.
Let me introduce you to the Privilege Pyramid. At the top are evil straight white men. At the bottom are us - the majority: LGBTQIA+ peeps, social media activists, and former Twitter fact checkers. We have rights but they’re being trampled on by straight white people. We need to flip this pyramid on its head. Us on top, blacks just below us, browns below them (non-Muslim Asians don’t count), Minor Attracted Persons below them (no, actually we should move them higher). Oh and just to clarify, no conservative or right-wing blacks or browns because they’re the worst - they’re too stupid and pathetic to know what’s good for them.
As for straight white women, well, you’re below the non-Muslim Asians, but don’t be no trans exclusionary radical feminist or we’ll downgrade you to the bottom of the pyramid with the pale male stale bunch. I’m looking at you JK Rowling. Bitch.
Rule 3- Never hold a black person responsible for anything
I’ve heard it said by Nazis that black people commit a wildly disproportionate amount of crime, that they trail far behind whites and Asians academically, that the majority live in single or no parent households, that they’re dependent on welfare, and that their culture encourages criminality. But the joke’s on you racists. You’re only incriminating yourselves by listing all the things you force black people to do.
Really think about what you’re putting them through: making them kill each other everyday, forcing them not to study or take education seriously, luring fathers away from raising their kids or supporting their families, and more. How could you do this to them?
If racist whites weren’t around and the black community were guided by people like you and me, they would build Wakanda. We know this. Instead we have 1 million black people dying each year at the hands of police. DEFUND!
Rule 4- Be the best woman you can be
Whether it’s dominating in the sporting arena, winning beauty contests, or showing off your womanhood in the changing room, be the best woman you can be.
Ok, so we’ve got testicles, but we’re still women. We put make up on, we wear dresses, and we want to make out with men (unfortunately). I guess that makes us straight and white by our own logic? But, well….moving on.
In many ways though we’re better women than those who claim to have been born women. If we weren’t then how come we beat them in sports? How come kids want us to read them the latest children’s books? How come kids put money in our g-strings at strip shows? Know what I mean?
Embrace your womanhood guys. I mean gals.
Rule 5- Fly the Pride flag proudly
We need to fly the pride flag proudly, because if we don’t who else will? It’s bad enough that it’s only flown by corporations, the entertainment industry, government, non profits, big tech, major sporting leagues, the education system, universities, the arts, mainstream media, and in a small but growing number of churches too, but that’s nowhere near enough. How is this going to change the persecution we experience everyday?
Shame on anyone who isn’t flying the flag in their home, in their car, at their workplace, or in their child’s crib. There’s also tattoo parlours everywhere, so there’s no excuse for failing to show your allyship. You’re the reason we live in fear. You’re why we feel no one’s got our back.
Stay strong my fellow LGBTs.
Rule 6- Celebrate key life milestones
There’s lots in life to celebrate: abortions, gender transitions, posting your first ‘whites are all evil and racist’ tweet or blog post, taking your 5 year old to their first drag strip show, the release of the latest census data and immigration figures, committing assisted suicide. You know, the good stuff.
Of course it’s just as important to know what not to celebrate. Easter and Christmas can go in the trash heap. For Americans, Independence Day and Thanksgiving can too.
But isn’t Ramadan so exotic? OMG.
Rule 7- Ascribe all your problems to the correct cause: white men
This is a key rule because white men truly are the cause of all our problems. Ok, so they‘ve done a couple of good things like invent the car and aeroplane, develop modern medicine, harness electricity, create computers and the internet, and honestly I don’t have time to list all this stuff, but the main thing is they, they, they’re prejudiced.
Black men aren’t prejudiced. Neither are Indian men or Chinese men or Muslim men. It’s just white men who have this unique but awful trait. What’s more they act on their prejudices, oppressing us in every way imaginable. For example, has there ever been a trans President? Exactly. But overseas there’s been lots … I think.
So screw white men and their evil history and culture. LGBTQIA+ and black and brown people are the foundation of our society. Where would society be without us? Think about it. It would be a horrifying place.
Rule 8- Pray to LGBT Jesus
I know Christianity is taboo in our community, but you don’t have to fear it. Jesus was LGBT and God gives off strong furry dom non-binary vibes if you know what I mean.
Unfortunately Christianity was hijacked by the straight white gentiles, but if Jesus was around today he’d love drag queen Bible story hour.
What’s that? Was Muhammad LGBT? Um, who’s that? Oh, I’ve never heard of him. Next rule please!
Rule 9- Ensure your children are reassigned to their correct gender
Research from the Institute for Transphobic Studies has shown that 99.9% of people are raised the wrong gender. We need to redress this. Straight people are straight because of indoctrination. Yes, there are 0.1% who are naturally straight but they are just freaks of nature. It’s gender non-confirming and trans people that are the norm and the basis for a healthy and just society.
If you have children, you have a responsibility to ensure they transition to their correct gender no later than their 3rd birthday. If you don’t do it by the time they turn 3 then it’s child abuse and we should take your kids away and ensure they get their much needed transition.
Oooh, I’m looking forward to having kids now.
Rule 10- Wear your mental illness proudly
I’m going to get real with you here. I know most of you, like me, suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, paranoia, OCD, borderline personality disorder, PTSD (from misgendering), and trauma from our really horrible middle class, upper middle class, and wealthy upbringings.
Don’t be ashamed of this. Be proud. Remember, we’re the victims here - victims of our cis parents, of society, of the patriarchy. For instance, I didn’t even know I was non-binary until my first year at university. Imagine that.
People out there have no idea what you and I have been through (starts sobbing). Ow, my mental health is hurting right now.
Rule 11- Cancel at least one bigot per month
There’s so many bigots out there, and we have to do what we can to stop them from spreading their lies, propaganda, and hate. One key thing you can do is use your activism to ensure anyone who opposes the truth is fired, loses their income, home, friends, and most importantly, their social media accounts.
Just keep a non-binary ear out both online and offline and if you get triggered by something you hear it’s a sure sign you’ve found a bigot.
Cancel ‘em!
(Bonus points for cancelling family, friends, or colleagues.)
Rule 12- Always remember we’re the good guys (girls, and gender non-conformists)
No one holds the moral high ground above us. We’re it. It’s a big responsibility to have, but I’m so proud knowing we rise up to it.
We know a society without us is a society without peace, without truth, and without common sense. It’s a society where children are at risk, where families and communities are divided, where morals and goodness are lost. It’s a society where people focus on things that don’t matter in the slightest, where life get worse for everyone, and where our future is threatened. Let’s stand strong against this evil - let’s eradicate it.
Straight white men - we’re coming for you.
White boys and girls - you know we’re coming for you.
As for straight white women - step aside coz the real women are in town.
And, well, that’s 12 rules to help you live a noble and fulfilling life.
Stay woke.
Written by Arcadius Strauss.
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